Anxiety!

Thursday, July 10, 2014

I'm entering territory I haven't explored before--a scheduled day off. My plan (because I just can't help it) is to have my phone and laptop turned off, go see a movie with my husband, and binge-watch Supernatural or some other movies on Netflix. Let me tell you...I cannot wait.

I'm so excited for a day where I don't have anything to do that my anxiety is in overdrive. Holy shit, y'all. I am so terrified that I'm going to die before Saturday comes around! That's what my anxiety does. We just ate dinner, and now I'm full and a bit thirsty, so I'm obviously going to die from food poisoning from something in the food and dehydration. My head is a little achy from everything I've done these last few days and being in the car with my glasses on, so I obviously have a brain tumor. And then these thoughts cause my heart rate to increase, so I'm obviously having a heart attack.

UGH.

I don't know how to turn it off. It sounds so irrational, but my fear of dying before fill in the blank (I finish this manuscript, I get a day off to enjoy for myself, my dinner plans with friends in two weeks, etc.) takes over sometimes and I just can't shake it.

Most of the time, I just tell myself that there isn't anything I can do about it if I'm about to die. I can't stop it now. So then I wonder if there is something I can do in the future to avoid feeling this shaken up or letting my thoughts run so far ahead of themselves. I have to eat. I have to work. And I can't stop thinking. It's all hard for me to balance.

Then I get stressed out with my dogs. I love them so hard, but G needs way more attention than she did five months ago when we got her because she's healthier now. I schedule really packed, full days, so I don't have the time to throw her ball for fifteen minutes eight times a day. I'd love to, but that's not how it works around here right now. And then we're still working on her overprotective behavior around food, so I have to keep an eye on them when they eat. It's overwhelming for me.

But she's cute and hard to resist. :) 

All of those toys and she needs me to throw them all day... LOL.

So I breathe deep, shake it out, talk it out with my husband, and wish the stomach pains away (since the stress causes that too sometimes). Mostly, I know that this means that I need more time to myself. I need to schedule less work so I can have more me time, more time to spend with my dogs and husband, more time to write these books floating around in my head, etc. I have so much I want to do, but I do everything for everyone else. So these new scheduling policies have really helped, and Tiffany has been an incredible addition to my life. I'm super thankful for everyone who's worked with me to make these changes so that some time off is not so exciting that I'm scared I'll pass away before it comes around. Haha!

Don't get me wrong. I absolutely love editing and working with my authors. They all rock SO hard, and I wouldn't be working at home, able to complain about having to throw my dog's ball all the time if it weren't for them. I just worry about EVERYTHING. And I don't want to die any time soon. That's all it boils down to. Haha!

I feel better now that I got a lot of that out. I still have some stuff I want to do tonight so that I can spend some of tomorrow doing absolutely nothing too. Although that's bound to give me some anxiety too. So stay tuned. LOL! <3


4 comments:

Arianne Cruz said...

It's so nice to have someone there to talk to whenever you're not feeling your best. It's also nice to blog about it. But since my issues are too personal, I don't knoe what to do with it. Writing it down but no one will read it seems like a moot activity.

You do so much for so many people, enjoy your day off. If you're feeling like you're going to die soon, then make the best of NOW. Nothing kicks anxiety on its butt than enjoying your life even when its around.

Love you lots!

Michelle Kampmeier said...

Arianne, honestly, I felt better by the time I'd written it. So even if I hadn't hit publish or if no one read this, it had served its purpose for me. It's a release to just get it out. Even if you speak it out loud to yourself. It's partly why therapy is so great. Getting things out of your mind one way or another is very good for you. :)

That's exactly what I'm thinking too! It's hard to balance wanting to do whatever I want with responsibilities of work and dogs, but I'm going to get better at it. :)

Love you lots, too, girlfriend! You're fantastic!! <3 <3

Arianne Cruz said...

It's difficult because I'm consumed with so much hatred at the moment. I'm trying to tell the voice in my head to be quiet, but I'm barely putting up a fight.

Tomorrow is therapy so I'm hoping it will help. I felt better at work for a little bit, but now I'm back in my own head.

Making some baked pork chops. . I thought to myself, if I didn't have stomach issues, I wouldn't care if I starved. Barely spoke a word today. I constantly wondered if people could notice the lack of life behind my eyes. Probably no one did. When I would smile it would be forced. Not even my jolly coworker could brighten me up.

Michelle Kampmeier said...

Getting it out might help. Hopefully tomorrow is a productive visit! :) Let me know how it goes. :)

I have those thoughts too. I wonder sometimes if I should just stop eating since I'm going to die someday anyway. That's where my thoughts go. But then I try to remember that I'm here for a reason and I need to eat to live to find out what that reason is or to fulfill my purpose here. Smile even when you don't want to. It helps. :)

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