Random Thoughts

Thursday, October 3, 2013

I've previously mentioned my recent bout with panic attacks, anxiety, and depression. What I'd love to talk about today is what's been left behind by them.

These bizarre and very existential thoughts pop into my head. Sometimes they're normal (Why are we here? What's the point of life?) and sometimes they just weird me out. Ready for this list? It's...interesting.

  • How did we figure out that sex makes people?
  • Within reason, I can't ever leave this planet. Does that make me trapped?
  • What if reincarnation is real and I become a man in my next life? Will that be weird?
  • Are there many versions of this world where people who have died in my reality actually live on?
  • What if, while flying on a plane, gravity stops and the earth drops away and the plane has nowhere to land?
  • What if I'm on earth and gravity stops? 
  • What if the earth just stops rotating? What if it just stands still in space and stops orbiting the sun?
  • What if I wasn't ever meant to be this Michelle?
  • Could it be possible for my memories to on reflect what is true in my reality today?
  • Do dogs like being dogs? Or do they look at humans and wish they were humans?
  • Cats obviously love being cats because they're kind of evil and really lazy.
  • Was society truly meant to end up like this? Where we work desk jobs and waste our lives according to some system?
  • Humanity really effed up.
That's just the beginning. My poor husband has to suffer through most of these, but bless his heart for not really judging me for thinking of some of them. Sometimes the thoughts are so dumb, but sometimes they're kind of misinformed and/or just my need for answers about this world.

A lot of my thoughts revolve around death. I've decided that this is because I don't really have a belief about life and death and what it means to die. I don't know what happens, and no one can prove it to me, so I'm stuck wondering about it a lot. I don't partake in any religious beliefs, and I don't know if I have that ability to blindly be faithful. 

Also, I frequently think I'm about to die. This is the panic taking over, but I get a general sense of danger or impending death from time to time. I think about my health, the food I eat, the amount of exercise I'm getting, the water I drink and if it's enough, and my stress levels. Oh the stress.

Either way, all I know is that I've been left with some residual effects from the panic, anxiety, and depression. I look around from time to time and wonder if and/or why everyone else isn't thinking about when they are going to die. I can't comprehend why people waste any time on this planet by stressing over the small things, fretting about their appearance so much, and killing each other. Ugh.

I could go on for days. Do any of you think any of this stuff? It's not so dreary now that I'm not depressed anymore, but I can't help but thing some weird thoughts. Hmm.

Eat your fruits and veggies, kids.


Paty Max said...

I do.
I believe thoughts like those are natural to the human nature, or at least to those humans who refuse to be tamed by society standards. I believe that thinking about death can be extremely healthy and help us lead a better life. Yeah, that may sound weird to some people, but I think that only when we reflect on the eminent end of our lives we can create a sense of responsibility towards it and a lighter approach to the difficulties of life. After all, if I die today I'll probably be glad that instead of fighting with my hubby for that silly thing he said, I decided to let it go and tell him I love him. Also, because I know I may die today even though I don't want to (nobody does, right?), won't I do everything in my power to extend my days? If today is all I have, won’t I want to be a better person? Won't I be kinder, healthier, more conscious, more careful?
I'm also not a follower of any religion. Though I understand how it can bring some people comfort in regards of dying, after all you have to be a pretty tough person to contemplate your own demise, I also think it numbs you. People spend way too much thinking about living in heaven, and what you can or can't do to assure that ending, that they never really live a human life. They never stop to think how their lives will affect the planet they live in, after all, the end result isn’t here, it’s there. I apologize if this offends anyone, but for me that’s crazy. We’re here, on planet Earth, which is a dying planet and where the children that keep being born will have to live and/or suffer. So shouldn’t we spend more time thinking about that and less time thinking about winning that golden ticket to heaven?
As for what's the point of life, I think that’s personal to each person, since each life is unique. For me, it is love (but then I'm a romance writer, so of course I'm going to think that. LOL). But seriously, I think that's the only thing that gives any sort of meaning to the human condition. Money can be lost, fame is pointless, but love can make a difference. I don't mean to be cheesy here, because I don't just mean love as in the way I love my husband (though that is definitely included), I mean love in the general and broader sense that includes compassion, kindness, passion, empathy, etc. If love in that sense was the driving force of humanity instead of greed, I think this world would be a far better place.
PS: I’m sorry about the depression/panic/anxiety. I know all too well what that struggle is like and I wish you all the best with recovering. PPS: I find the kind of questioning you wrote here very helpful to deal with those things. You can only find the meaning to life (your life) if you question it and question the end of it. I suggest you read the “Tao” (the philosophical Tao not the religious Tao, which is crap), the two most famous books are the “Tao Te Ching” (Lao Tzu) and “Chuang Tzu”. They helped me tons in those questionings and in overcoming my own depression/panic/anxiety.

melissa said...

I do and I have my beliefs but what I say is as long as u believe in something be it anything it becomes a comfort. If I die and it's not true then I die I lose nothing but if I believe and it's true I gain everything... Just a thought but it comforts me

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