Here's My Story

Saturday, August 31, 2013

I know it's been a long time. I'd love to apologize, but I cannot be stressing out right now about things that aren't terribly important. This blog has been fun, and I'll continue to post, but I can't stress about posting everything I eat every day. I'll try to focus more on posting at least some recipes on Mondays for Meatless Mondays. But I did want to let you all in on what's been going on with me. So here it goes.

I know I've mentioned the whole thing about not taking my birth control (Yaz - yes, I know) anymore. It has created more trouble for me than I could have imagined. A lot of the time, I felt like I was the only one going through something like this, like no one would be able to help me. And then there were times when all I wanted was to go to the hospital so medical professionals could save me. Google told me that MANY women getting off Yaz had these symptoms. I was glad I wasn't alone, but I don't want ANYONE to go through any of this. Here are the basics in a list because that's how I roll:

  • Major hair thinning/loss
  • Panic attacks
  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Hormone imbalance
  • Lack of sex drive
  • Lethargy
That's just the basics. There are things I can barely explain. Things like wanting to crawl out of my skin, needing to go to Urgent Care because I just wasn't myself anymore, and feeling like I was going absolutely insane. For hours I'd feel like I was about to have a heart attack. For days after these episodes I'd feel like I was about to drop dead. I didn't think my body could handle the stuff I was going through. I could see myself grabbing a gun and shooting myself in the head to end it, and that scared me! I didn't want that! I never have. I don't want to die. But the depression and unease in my own body felt like more than I could take.

The symptoms would stick around for days. I'd feel physical pains in my chest, head, and stomach and think I was dying. I felt like I couldn't trust my own body to tell me if I was safe or about to die. I felt like I was stuck in my brain, and it was a scary, awful, terrifying place to be for a while. Even now, a headache makes me worried about impending death. Ugh.

I got my thyroid checked (normal) and I had an EKG done (normal). I saw three doctors in a week. Guess what they all did? Every one of them prescribed me medication or suggested a pill to take. I was prescribed Buspirone, Effexor, and Ativan. It was suggested to me that I take Lexapro as well. I was even told to just go back on the pill. No one wanted to hear about the probably hormone imbalance from getting off the pill. They heard anxiety and depression and wanted to cover that up. There are a couple different things from my past that make me wary of taking pills, so I took none of them.

When looking up the Lexapro, I found Panic Away. Listening to that man talk truly settled my feelings about the anxiety and depression. I realized I wasn't crazy and wouldn't feel like this forever, even though it felt like I certainly would be locked up in a mental institution soon or crazy in a hospital, left like a vegetable. Ugh.

Then I met with a therapist. After spilling my story, she advised me to only take the Ativan if I absolutely needed it. Luckily, I haven't yet. And the Panic Away techniques and information really helped me take power of my situation. The anxiety and panic fed the depression, and then the depression would feed the anxiety and panic. Panic logic, as I call it, allows this to continue, so once I learned to stop feeling the panic and anxiety, I was able to ease the hormonal depression by listening to my body in a better way. I'm also still seeing the therapist. She's been helping me with the leftover thoughts and feelings about death and dying.

I've also looked into adrenal fatigue. A lot of this was brought on by stress, change, and medication, but stress is always something I've been bad at dealing with. I generally avoided it, but I put myself in a situation where stress was constantly glaring at me. Two jobs, school, two blogs, a husband, many pets, a house, friends, family, a whole lifelystle change, and no time for myself really kicked me in the butt. I've since learned. And I think my adrenals are tired of being overworked. So now I'm working on myself. I'm still editing and I'm still working at the bank, but I'm taking a break with school and making time for my family, friends, and pets in a way that doesn't stress me out. I'm making time for myself as well. It feels good.

One day at a time, people. That's TRULY all we have.

Eat your fruits and veggies, kids.


Monday, August 12, 2013

Hey all. Just stopping by to say hi! I know it has been a while (again) but I've really not been up to it. Or anything for that matter. I've mentioned plenty of times here about how I stopped taking my birth control pills, and now three months later I'm in a bit of a pickle. Perhaps when I'm on the other side of all this, I'll talk about it some more. Today is actually a great day, but the bad days are beyond bad. I'd never wish it on my worst enemy.

So I'm taking steps to getting better. I have an appointment with my OBGYN tomorrow for my normal yearly checkup, but I obviously want to talk to her about this mental state I'm in. I also have a physical scheduled for Wednesday and a therapist appointment on Thursday. Even if this is all anxiety and hormonal issues, I still have some lingering things to chat about. It'll be helpful if I need time off work as well, which I've needed as of late. I've been off since very early Wednesday morning. I pretty much ran out crying, so I couldn't go back. I'm supposed to go back tomorrow, and right now I feel prepared, but things change every half hour around here so we'll see.

Basically, it's been anxiety/panic attacks, which lead to me thinking I'm seriously seconds away from dying. I'm pretty healthy - you see how I eat, which hasn't changed, and I run, get sun, drink water, sleep, etc. - so I highly doubt I'm actually dying. But my brain gets pretty convinced that I am. I had to go to urgent care last week because it got so uncomfortable in my body.

Eh, just talking about it makes it bad, so I'm going to stop there. I'll talk about it when I can, but for now, I just wanted to say HI and that I'm still here! Just going through some things. Hope all is well with you all. Come find me on any of my social media accounts and say hi. <3

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